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Nil pois. The UK has heard that phrase way too many times at recent Eurovision Song Contests.
Since the competition's inception in 1956 the UK has won five times (tied with Sweden, Luxembourg and France). Ireland has been the top overall winner having won seven times. The last time the UK saw a win was in 1997 with Love Shine a Light by Katrina and the Waves. Unfortunately, it's all been downhill since then.
Being one of the four biggest financial contributors to the competition (along with Spain, Germany and France) hasn't helped the UK gain any favours amongst music loving Europeans. Perhaps it's because they don't take the competition seriously. Perhaps they've been sniffed out. Or, perhaps it's because they pick godawful songs. Past contestants have included Engelbert Humperdink, Scooch and Jemini. Oh dear.
It's a sad state of affairs for ol' Blighty - the UK has been in the bottom three, four times in the past ten years. They're recognized across the continent as sucking - quite badly.
Bonnie Tyler will be taking to the stage at the finals this Saturday night to represent her home turf. The music video for her song 'Believe in Me' takes cheese to a whole new level. But if the Eurovision Song Contest has anything going for it, it's definitely the cheese factor.
Whatever happens, it's always a good - nay, hilarious - laugh watching the competition and I'll be rooting for the underdog all the way.